September 21 2016

The first time I actually took Melissa out on an official “this may be happening” date was in the summer of 2010. She was still going back and forth on what her true feelings were but agreed to go to dinner with me and we could call it a “date”. Yipeee! At this point she had decided it was also ok for us to have sleep overs, but absolutely nothing ever happened. I think part of it was because she got a free ride to work and could sleep an extra half hour. We would go to bed and while she slept I would lay there, awake most of the night, thinking “oh God, am I supposed to try to kiss her now? If I do is she going to kick me out? She did say we were just friends right? So why are we in bed together???”. It was like being back in highschool, where I was in love with the beautiful popular girl, like everyone else, and was lucky enough to be able to hang out with her.

 She was living in Kits at the time so the evening of the date I drove to her place and we walked over to Maenam, a Thai restaurant. When we sat down and the waiter asked us about drinks I said that since I had to drive home, I better not. This was a ploy. She said go ahead, you can stay over. Ploy executed perfectly!. So we got a bottle of wine and went through the menu. Now to give you a bit of background, I can’t handle spicy food. It’s not that I don’t like it, but my stomach has a different feeling about it. Mel was unaware of this at the time and I certainly wasn’t going to let on that I was some kind of wimp who needed the “mild version” of any dish. At the time, I was pretty much doing everything I could to show her how much we had in common. Regardless if we actually did or not. 

So we ordered. Nothing mild. Nothing close to mild. We ate and drank. We drank a lot because I couldn’t let on that I needed water. So wine would have to make do. 

When we were done she said we should go for a walk because it was such a nice night. Around twenty minutes into our walk I started to feel like my stomach was realizing what I had done to it, and things were about to get “moving”.  

Mel was oblivious to the fact that I was starting to panic. We just walked and talked and I tried to hold a conversation while the whole time thinking I have to get to a washroom. But where? The idea of getting back to her place and somehow suavely excusing myself to foul up her bathroom was out of the question. Her place had walls as thin as paper and since we’d be coming home after midnight it would be as quite as a church in there. No TV on or music to cover up any sounds. 

So I said we should grab a nightcap and since we were standing right by the Smoking Dog, a restaurant near her place, I said how about here?!. So we went in. The chairs we up on the tables and the bartender told u they were closing up. Mel insisted he just get us two shots of bourbon and we’d be gone. Two shots, basically a minute. I said pour them up, and do you have a washroom?. “Wait here, i’ll be back in a second to do that shot babe”

The washroom had one stall and one urinal. I opened the stall door and I kid you not, the toilet was filled to the brim. Like a previous me had just been in there. At this point I was in full on panic mode. Here I was finally taking the girl of my dreams out, showing her how cool and easy going I was and I was going to shit my pants. She was sitting at a bar with two shots in front of her, an annoyed bartender wanting to close up and I was weighing the idea of using the urinal for a toilet or looking for a plunger. Luckily they had a plunger under the sink. So I went to work. Of course, since the night was really turning out great, I got splashed. Yep, I now had to deal with that, along with my original reason for being in there. Anyway, I got to the point I was able to use the facilities. The only thing that would have made it any worse would be an empty toilet paper roll. And yes, it was. If you want to picture that moment, imagine a tight close up of a panicked face then fast zoom to an empty paper roll and “dun dun duhhhnnnnn!!!” music . So I did what we alll would do, I scurried out of the stall, grabbed the paper towels and scurried back. Then I realized why this situation had been created. Someone had flushed hand towels down the toilet!! At this point I knew that I had been in there long enough that unless I had sever prostate cancer, I wasn’t in there taking a pee. 

There is some unwritten code that bowl movements don’t happen when you first meet someone. They are deal breakers, and anyone who is vulgar enough to actually have one in your presence is clearly a disgusting pig and should be left immediately. 

After washing myself from head to toe with paper towels and hand soap I finally got out and back to the bar. Mel asked if I was ok. She said I looked all red and sweaty. I told her I got a call from work and had to deal with it, plus “red wine, you know…” Very smooth of me. We did our shots, I left $40 on the bar and said Let’s get out of here and let this guy close up. (and before he does his bathroom check). 

When we got back to Mel’s she invited me in but instead I kissed her goodnight at the door and said I had an amazing night and would like to do it again. In hindsight It was quite chivalrous of me really. The reality was I knew the fresh air was keeping her from realizing I had been splashed with feces and felt it might make a bad impression once we got inside. 

She texted me later and saying she wished I had stayed over. I replied “one day we’ll be together and we won’t have to kiss each other goodnight in an entrance way ever again xoxo” 

Now I share this story not because it’s a shining moment in my dating career, but when I told Mel about it eight or nine months later she thought it was hilarious and remembered thinking that night that maybe I was someone worth her time.

It’s also proof that good things come to those who wait, even if the reason to wait has been forced upon you. And seriously, DO NOT flush paper towels down the toilet!!

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