June 25 2016

So i’m gonna share one little personal moment here with all you facebookies that i’ve come to realise. Obviously it’s because I see the world in a whole new light. Mel’s purse still hangs in our bedroom door, her pj’s still lay on her pillow, all her man many many boxes of jewlery still clutter our bedroom. I have a small space where I could pile my clothes. It’s still used even though I boxed up a lot of her things and have lots of storage space. Thing was when she was still with me I always wished I had more room. Our fridge is still covered with family photos, mostly of her because, well she just looked a hell of a lot better on it then any pic of me. I opened that frisge 20 times a day, never really looking at then. It happens, those types of things just become another part of the furniture. Aside from the tv and our couches every other thing in our home was hers. Or hung up by her. Or arranged by her. It’s all very nice and organized and looks beautiful but if you came over 3 months ago it’d just be a nice house and that’s it. Because she’s gone now, it all breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because she did it with love and care and made our house a home. I never thought much about it. I mean realistically we all get to that point. The flowers on the counter start to get in the way. The pictures on the fridge keep falling off when i’m just trying to find the mustard. The pictures on the wall might as well not be there for the the fact that they’re just there. 

There’s a million things in our home that are just ingrained into it now. I used to call it clutter. 

The same thing happened as time went by with us. The excitement of coming through the door and seeing her became just another thing that was there. It not that we stopped seeing each other, it’s that life took over and instead of excitement I just thought “oh shit I forgot to call our bookkeeper” or fuck I need a new jacket. Or what’s tuesday gone and done now. 

Life takes over. Everyday routines, stresses, new problems or plans start to overtake the beautiful romantic love story that drew us together. That’s just life. Nobody is immune to having to change focus and adjust their life.

Instead of falling asleep in each others arms with that electricity burning between us, you just go to bed and try not to wake her up. 

I don’t think anyone can ever hold onto those first moments when everything revolves around your loved one. It has to change and evolve and mellow out.

What I can say is all those things that seemed so mundane and matter of fact now stir up all the beautiful moments we had. Why did I play candycrush beside her when I could have just held her in my arms? Whay did I stay up after she went to bed so I could watch 20 more minutes of some show? Why did I waste so much time when I should have just been holding her and talking to her and just being one with her?

I did it because that’s what happens after a while, and I can tell you that if you do have someone in your life still, you need to try and think back to what it was first like. Because now when I go into the fridge and that picture falls of the fridge door I pick it and treat it like it was a priceless piece of art and I wish to god she wasn’t just an image in our kitchen instead of the real thing.

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