July 4 2017

Tuesday started her day camp today. It’s hosted by her kindergarten teacher and the bus driver from her school and is held at the church her school is associated with. It’s a huge property near the school and is on a lot that takes up half the block. Half a block in this city, which is probably worth fifteen to twenty million dollars i’d guess. There’s a very large garden area where the kids hang out and on a day like today was, it’s beautiful. Things always seem a bit easier when the weather is nice. Getting up to the sunshine, making breakfast and packing Tuesdays lunch, saying “let’s get going” and out the door is as easy as both of us putting on our flip flops grabbing Levon and walking out the door. I seriously hate the winter when it comes to getting going in the morning. Dressing everyone up, packing extra clothes, trying to find mittens and toques and all the other shitty shitty weather crap. Plus now that Levon’s a bit older the routine has gotten easier and Tuesday knows how to help me out and get her brother ready. I dropped Levon off at daycare and drove Tuesday to camp. While we were driving there I thought about how i’ve done this drive every week for the past ten months and just how dark and grey it was for most of that time. Both in terms of the weather as well as how I was feeling. I was honestly happy today thinking about how far we’ve come. Tuesday got through her first year at school, Levon’s walking and eating on his own. I’m not a walking wreck just hoping to get through the day. The long nights of waking up and feeding Levon are over. The whole drawn out routine of packing a diaper bag, trying to get clothes on Levon, carrying that shitty heavy car seat out to the car and yelling at tuesday to hurry up are for the most part, done. Everything really does seem better. Whether it’s the fact we’re a fine tuned team now, or that there’s not so much to do to get out the door, it is easier to do now.

 While we were driving Tuesday pointed out a car that looked like Mel’s. That used to be something that would make me too aware of her passing. It would give me a tinge of panic because I would be worried I’d start thinking too much about it all and would be set off on a less then happy road for the next few hours. But today the first thing I thought was “fuck, I really have to get rid of that car”. You see it’s been sitting right where she parked it. Right outside our house on the other side of the street. It hasn’t moved. The first few months after she passed it killed me everytime I came home because it would evoke the feelings I used to have seeing it. Coming home and knowing she was home. All those memories just flashing up as I turned the corner to see it. I couldn’t go near it until about 4 month ago. When I did finally get in it I broke down and went back inside the house. A few weeks later I did it again but was able to keep it together. Of course after sitting there for so long the battery was drained. So I jump started it and got it going. Unfortunately the battery wasn’t going to keep it’s charge and I knew i’d have to get a new one. The idea of spending another dollar on her car was out of the question because, frankly, it’s a piece of shit car and as sentimental of a guy I am, i’m not so lost in emotion to waste money on a wreck. So I figured i’d just call a wrecker and get it towed away. That was four moths ago and I just kind of put the whole idea on the back burner. Maybe due to the emotional side of letting go or maybe just because I was hoping someone would walk by one night and set it on fire. 

Anyway, today when tuesday brought up the car I decided it had been long enough and when I dropped her off I would call the wrecker. I spoke to a guy and was going to meet him this afternoon. After I hung up I started looking for the insurance papers. I had put them in this large accordion binder Mel had. All the things in it were hers so I put in a few more of her things as well and the important documents that had come our way since her passing. When I dug out the insurance papers I saw this little piece of paper in the bottom on the binder and pulled it out. 

I’m not one who believes in spirits speaking to us from the after life or anything like that, but this really made my day. It got me pretty choked up but I did take time to say “thanks babe”. I think she’s probably right

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